


What You Wanted From This Life

by jjtaylor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 00:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11862774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjtaylor/pseuds/jjtaylor
Summary: Sirius comes back, but Remus doesn't believe him.





	What You Wanted From This Life

_And did you get what_ you wanted from this life, even so?  
I did.  
And what did you want?  
To call myself beloved, to feel myself  
beloved on the earth. 

__

__

_\- Raymond Carver_

Two months after Voldemort's attack on the Ministry, Sirius Black reemerged from beyond the Veil in the Death Room of the Department of Mysteries. He slid on his stomach across the stone floor, startling a janitor, who was repairing one of the broken steps in the amphitheater, into a state of apoplexy. Sirius pushed himself up off the floor and said, in a strangled voice, "Way," and promptly passed out. A team of Unspeakables descended on the room moments later and set about trying to rouse Sirius and interrogate the janitor, who was finally able to tell them Sirius' one-word message.

One Unspeakable summoned Dumbledore, who set up arrangements for Sirius to be secretly transported to St. Mungo's. Another Unspeakable immediately began the paperwork to get Sirius pardoned, because, as the only person to return from Beyond the Veil (besides Unspeakable Barkley, of course, and no one quite believes he actually went through the Veil in the first place but really just went around the other side), he was extremely valuable to the Department of Mysteries, mass murderer or not. A third Unspeakable calmed the janitor and modified his memory, although from that day onward he had an inexplicable fear of curtains.

Healers immediately set to work on Sirius, concerned that there was some hidden damage, although they could find nothing wrong with him other than the damage the few Stunning spells had done. Unspeakables worked around the clock to determine what exactly Sirius' message had meant. Some claimed he had meant "weigh" and not "way." A smaller contingent latched onto "whey" and some even argued that Sirius' message was "wait" and they did just that.

Dumbledore kept a vigil at Sirius' bedside, and he called together the Order and told them of Sirius' reappearance. It was decided that the news would be kept secret from Harry, and with much objection from members of the Order, from Remus, until they knew more about Sirius' status.

Remus, who had taken Sirius' death as well as anyone thought it possible, still wasn't anywhere near being himself. It was a week after the attack before anyone noticed that Remus hadn't been eating. He had looked genuinely surprised when Molly mentioned it to him, and he made it a point to join someone at the kitchen for a meal at least once a day. He looked like someone who read more than slept. He made a point to leave the room whenever Bellatrix's name came up. He looked weaker after the full moon, and he took longer to recover. His smile never reached his eyes, and though he was never overly quiet, no one could recall a single time where Remus had initiated the conversation.

He was just beginning to show signs of healing. He volunteered to accompany Kingsley on an errand to the Ministry. He exchanged increasingly frequent owls with Harry, and reading them always seemed to cheer him. He had just a few nights ago held a long, animated conversation with Tonks about Quidditch. The Order was worried that keeping this secret from Remus would only lead to trouble, but no one was willing to risk knocking Remus back into constant sorrow, and when Dumbledore brought up what would happen if they told Remus before they were certain Sirius was fine, no one protested.

 

Exactly a week after Sirius had reappeared, Sirius awoke in St. Mungo's with a gasp. "Harry?" Sirius said urgently. "Remus? Remus?" His eyes were wide and unfocused as he looked frantically around the room.

It took a few minutes for Sirius to understand where he was, and he seemed to only half-listen to Dumbledore's reassurances that everyone was fine. Sirius asked to see Remus right away, wanted Harry taken from the Dursleys and brought to Grimmauld Place as soon as possible. Dumbledore only held up his hands and said, "Soon, soon." Dumbledore asked Sirius to tell him everything he could remember about the Veil, and when Sirius spoke, his voice was rough from disuse and he sounded faintly amused, as though he was ready for someone to tell him the hospital room was just an illusion.

"So, the Veil is a doorway," Sirius said. "You've probably got that part figured out by now, since I went in and came back out." Dumbledore nodded; a floating quill and parchment in the corner of the room sprang to life and began taking down everything Sirius said. "It's just that most people who go in don't come back out. They keep right on going." Sirius gave a half laugh. "I wasn't dead when I passed through the Veil. I was dead after I passed through it, of course, but it seems the not-being-dead-first thing made a difference. Took them about five minutes to figure it out, though, and they tossed me back out. Said I had to be dead first before I could come back again for good. And then next thing I know, I'm back in that morbid room."

"It may surprise you to find out," Dumbledore said gently, "that two months have passed since you fell."

"Only two months," Sirius said after a few minutes. "Thought it'd be another 12 years."

A Healer came in, tapped Sirius' chart with her wand, and examined it.

Something seemed to occur to Sirius then, and he began to laugh hysterically. "They threw me out of the afterlife! They threw me out of the afterlife!" 

Two more Healers entered the room and shooed Dumbledore out. "Mr. Black," one of them said in a motherly voice, "You aren't going to make me give you a Tranquility Draught, are you?"

As Dumbledore walked down the corridor, a thin, wiry Unspeakable rushed toward him. "I have the pardon! The official pardon." He waved a tiny roll of parchment. "The auto-quill sent the report straight to us. Can you believe it? A doorway!" And he rushed off. Dumbledore watched him run at Sirius' room and bounce off the wards, having forgotten to disarm them in his excitement.

 

Once cleared for release from St. Mungo's, Sirius begged Dumbledore to let him go straight to Grimmauld Place to see Remus.

"Remus will likely be shocked, Sirius." Dumbledore said. "No one has told him you've returned. Use caution."

Sirius found Remus in the library, leaning intently over a table covered with paper. Sirius said, in what he considered a very cautious tone, "Moony?"

"Finite Incantatem," Remus said without looking up.

Sirius walked further into the room. "Remus?" he said.

Remus spun around, his wand leveled at Sirius' chest. "Finite Incantatem."

"What are you doing?"

"You're a spell," Remus said, though with some uncertainty. "I'm trying to get rid of you."

"I'm not a spell," Sirius said.

"You're a ghost, then." Sirius grinned at him. "Right, ok, you don't look like a ghost, because you're not translucent enough." Remus quickly became flustered. "You're a phantasm, or, no, I still think you're some sort of spell. I'm going to have to call Dumbledore."

"He'll be here for the Order meeting."

"Right. The Order Meeting." Remus looked up at the clock, and then rubbed roughly at his eyes. "I have to talk to Dumbledore before the Order meeting."

"Hang on," Sirius said, and reached out to grab Remus' elbow. Remus jumped away. He stared at Sirius.

"Are you ok?" Sirius asked gently. This seemed to steady Remus.

"Yes, yes of course I'm ok. You're just a spell, and it's a little unnerving, really, you must understand, to have your dead friend appear in the library -"

"Lover," Sirius said with a smirk.

"What?"

"Don't forget. I'm your dead lover, too," Sirius said. Remus nodded slowly. "But I'm not dead. That's what I came here to tell you. I know it seems a little odd," Sirius trailed off.

"A little odd?" Remus said, his voice brittle, his cheeks flushing. "I'm talking to you and you're dead. And it's not as if I'm talking to your portrait, or to the heavens pretending you're listing or what have you. I'm looking right at you."

"Listen, why don't you have a seat, and I'll get us some tea, and explain...."

"Tea? Explain?" But Remus went quiet as he sunk back into his chair. Sirius offered an abridged version of an explanation: the Veil, the broken rules, the afterlife, his return. Remus nodded, and turned back to where he had been when Sirius had come in, bending low over several long, rectangular pieces of parchment. He seemed to be concentrating hard, because he jumped when Sirius spoke again.

"Remus?" Sirius said. It became obvious that Remus was trying to ignore Sirius. Sirius waited a moment, said his name again, and the poked Remus in the shoulder.

"Listen," Remus said, still not looking at Sirius, "the Order meeting's in a few minutes and I need to get this done, so if you would just...."

"What are you looking at?"

"Maps of London and Glasgow," Remus answered absently. "We need to find a new Headquarters for the Order."

"No one likes Grimmauld Place?" Sirius said with a laugh. "Can't imagine why."

"Well, no, no one really does, though I don't mind it quite as much as everyone." Remus finally tore himself away from the maps and looked at Sirius. "It was very kind of you to leave Grimmauld Place to the Order in your will, by the way. Everyone appreciates that, but...."

"I didn't expect to die," Sirius said, and Remus looked as if he'd been hit.

"Anyway," Remus said, back to staring at the maps, "we'll be hard-pressed to find another building as well-hidden, as well-warded as this."

Sirius moved to look at the maps over Remus' shoulder. Remus took in a long, slow breath.

"I've looked all over London," Remus said feebly.

"Blast London ," Sirius said, and reaching a finger over the map. "Have you looked at Glasgow Cathedral yet?" he said, making a wide circle with his hand over the map. "There's an old castle near there- well, it's actually an apartment complex, for the discreet wizard who needs a place...." He trailed off. Remus started at him for a moment.

"Is this an underground criminal hideout?" Remus asked. "For wizards on the run?"

"Well, yeah," Sirius said. "Mostly abandoned now. Hasn't been much room for wizards on the run with the Ministry crackdown."

"And you expect me to tell the Order about it? How in the world would I know about it? And not have mentioned it before?" 

"Well, tell them I just told you, of course. They'll understand that I knew it from my days as a fugitive."

"Right," Remus said. "Tell them you told me today." And then he burst into brief, hysterical laughter as Sirius watched, horrified.

"Really, it's a wonderful explanation," Remus said after a moment. "And I'm impressed I had never come up with it before in all my imaginings of how you'd come back. Mostly I'd wake up and you were just magically there. But this, this is a well-reasoned and complicated explanation, and clearly I've gone completely insane. I really do need to see Dumbledore."

Sirius' expression went blank, but before he could say anything, there was a creak at the door. Ginny Weasley poked her head in.

"Professor Lupin, is everything ok? Who are you talking to?"

"Oh, well, only Sirius," Remus said helplessly.

"Oh," Ginny said, nervously looking around. She flushed red and tugged at her hair. "Oh," she said again, frowning. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I...." And she turned and ran away.

"Oh, God," Remus said.

"It's ok, Ginny knows," Sirius tried to reassure him.

"Yes, Ginny knows I'm hallucinating. Very good."

"I'm not a hallucination."

Remus rounded on him. "Of course you'd say that. You're my hallucination!" The clock chimed eight times. "Time for the meeting," Remus said, sounding suddenly oddly cheery. "Probably what Ginny was coming up here to tell me. I need to find Dumbledore," he said, and he walked past Sirius and out of the library.

 

Sirius followed Remus until he found Dumbledore, and watched as Remus tried to explain that he was completely mad and he needed to be taken to St. Mungo's. Dumbledore listened as he tossed an owl into flight out the window, a small parchment tied to its leg.

"Can I at least skip the Order meeting?" Remus pleaded.

"You're not mad, and you're not hallucinating." Dumbledore reassured him. "I too believe that Sirius has returned. Bring him to the Order meeting."

"Right." Remus looked unhappy to realize that Sirius had been standing behind him the whole time.

There was a small crowd in the kitchen and several people beamed in Sirius' direction, but their smiles faded when they saw Remus' grim expression. Sirius looked sullen and stood with his arms crossed in front of his chest, staring at Remus.

"When Ginny came down and told me Remus was talking to Sirius in the library, I thought everything was going well," Tonks whispered to Kingsley, who shrugged.

"Hi Sirius." Ginny smiled and waved. Remus glowered at her.

By the end of the meeting, Remus' desire to keep up a brave front in the face the absurdity situation had apparently worn off.

"It's kind of you all, really," Remus said after Tonks had asked Sirius if he wanted anything to drink. "Pretending to see Sirius, too. But I know he's not really there. I know he's a hallucination. And I wish someone would help me," his voice broke, "while I still have some of my wits about me."

"We all see him, Remus," Moody said.

"We do," Kingsley chimed in.

"He's really back," Tonks said, nodding. "We wouldn't lie."

"See, Remus?" Sirius said. 

"Oh, shut up, Sirius," Remus said. Sirius began to shake slightly.

"Remus," Tonks said kindly, patting him on the shoulder and casting a weak smile in Sirius' direction.

Moody pressed a brandy into his hands and said, "Here, lad, drink this."

Remus sipped at the brandy. "I'll just head up to bed, then," Remus said, and turning back to Dumbledore, added, "If you won't let me resign."

"I won't," Dumbledore said.

"Alright then." Sirius stood up with Remus and placed a hand on his shoulder. Remus flinched, and Sirius looked stricken as they went upstairs. Just as they reached the stairs, Tonks said, "There's no way we could have expected this." She sighed. "Really, the poor man."

 

Inside his bedroom, Lupin sat down on the bed, his elbows resting on his knees. He finally looked up at Sirius, who was standing in the doorway. "Well, you might as well come in."

"I really think you should listen to the Order, and stop torturing yourself," Sirius said.

"Torturing myself?" Remus laughed but then, as quick as if he had been hit with a curse, his face fell. "I watched you go through the Veil, Sirius. I saw you disappear. You expect me to believe that you are standing in front of me right now, and that I haven't gone crazy?" Remus' chin began to tremble, and he cleared his throat. He said, not quite to Sirius, "There is only so much I can handle. I've tried to be strong, especially for Harry, but....I've tried to move on. Anyone would understand, I've lost you twice. You can't keep coming back." 

Remus placed his hand on his forehead, covering his eyes. "I don't know what to do," Remus said.

"Believe me," Sirius said, kneeling in front of Remus. "Believe that I'm back. You believed me once before, when there was 12 years between us."

"No." Remus said sternly. Sirius put a hand on Remus' knee but Remus jerked away. Sirius clenched his fists.

"Why don't you want me to touch you?" Sirius said very softly, trying to sound amused rather than enraged and mostly failing. "This isn't how I'd expected the reunion to go."

"I just can't. I can't let myself remember. You're gone and this only makes it hurt more, and -" Sirius cut him off with a kiss, and Remus let out a low, pained whimper, and after a long moment of kissing Sirius back in earnest, broke away. "Oh god," he gasped. Sirius leaned in and kissed him again.

"Get out," Remus said, breaking away again and standing up. "Leave me alone." He pointed his wand at Sirius, and spoke quickly in Latin. Silver sparks flew over Sirius' shoulder, and he backed away. "Get out." Sirius felt something hot and electric hit his back as he ran out the door.

 

Sirius was still trembling when he found Tonks and Moody downstairs in the kitchen.

"What the bloody hell did you say to him?" Moody asked. "He doesn't believe you. Thinks you're a figment of his imagination?"

"Apparently, I've left him one too many times," Sirius said. They were all quiet.

"I'll go talk to him," Tonks eventually said.

"No, let him be," Sirius said. "He sent a Disipare Totalus after me."

"Good boy." Moody offered his approval of this tactic. "If you had been a spell, then that would have vanished you."

"I'll try talking to him again tomorrow," Sirius said though he didn't sound  
very hopeful about his prospects. "Dumbledore warned me it might be a bit of a shock. I'd say that was an understatement."

"Cheer up, Sirius," Tonks offered. "Really, he'll come around."

"Oh, you have a delivery," Moody said, handing Sirius a package. A giant sheaf of papers, tied together with twine, was hidden under the wrapping.

"Aha!" Sirius said, untying the twine and grasping the top sheet gleefully.

"What is it?" Tonks asked.

"Part of the terms of my pardon," Sirius said, flipping through pages, "I'm going to be a test subject. This is my new employment contract to work in the Ministry, in the Department of Mysteries."

"'S a long contract," Tonks said, looking over Sirius' shoulder.

"That's just the disclaimer," Moody growled.

 

Sirius didn't sleep that night. He sat outside of Remus' room, and by the sounds of it, Remus didn't sleep either. When he finally opened his bedroom door just before dawn, he looked completely unsurprised to see Sirius standing there. Remus went to the washroom, and then downstairs and Sirius followed him.

No one else seemed to be awake. Remus sipped his tea automatically and picked up his toast and set it down several times in a row without taking a bite. Sirius watched Remus warily and Remus looked at him, looked away quickly, looked at him again.

The front door of Grimmauld Place banged open, crashing against the opposite wall. Something pounded toward the kitchen as the portrait of Mrs. Black began to shriek. Harry came into view around a corner, running full speed into Sirius' arms.

"Sirius," Harry said, his words muffled against Sirius' chest. "Sirius. You came back." Tears were pouring from his eyes but they were sparkling when he looked up at Sirius. Sirius smiled hugely and pulled Harry to him again.

"It's ok, Harry," he said gruffly. "I'm here."

Remus stood immobile, completely unable to breathe or to think. He watched Sirius hug Harry, watched Harry pull away enough to look at him.

"Professor Lupin," Harry said, wiping tears away from his eyes as though he had just noticed them. "He's back."

Sirius turned a hopeful smile toward Remus.

Remus swallowed convulsively, and said, "He's back," in barely a whisper.

Harry nodded frantically, his tears renewed, and he threw himself into Sirius' arms again.

"Sirius," Remus said. "Oh, God, Sirius." He reached out, and rested his fingers on Sirius' face.

**Author's Note:**

> Posting from the dusty LJ archives: written 8-16-2004


End file.
